Friday, April 10, 2009

Someone does actually read this blog...

Ok, so I was feeling down about things when I posted the other day. I hate dealing with car problems...that's why I need a husband! But, several prople told me they actually read and care about what I write. So, I will continue. Sometimes I think I should make a schedule for myself, and do a creative post once a month, and a month in review post, and a weight loss post, etc. But, then i remember that I hate schedules. So, it is in the back of my head to do that, but I am not going to even say I will do it on any sort of schedule... whenever I feel like it...that's when things happen around here.

But, honestly, I think there is something weird and therapeutic about writing a blog, putting your thoughts and words out there into the universe for anyone to read. I admit, though, that I have written several posts in the last little while that have not been published. Just a little too personal.

So, I have been doing a lot of thinking, pondering, wondering about my life. I find it interesting how life changes. How my thinking changes. I have gone for many years, enjoying my life, feeling like things were going fairly well, feeling happy for the most part, content with what I was doing. I am not in that place anymore. I don't know why my mood has changed. Well, I could name of several things that I am sure have triggered some of this thinking, but I think it is just time for introspection on my part, to decide if I am on the path I want to be on, to contemplate my next steps, to see if there is anything I should be doing differently.

I hate the topic, but the economy is on my mind a lot. My job security has taken a hit, not that I am going to lose my job soon, but it is a worry. Other people have been let go, and it is being discussed among the managers in production if there needs to be more layoffs. Our work has slowed down considerably, and we are not seeing a huge pickup anytime soon. So, I think about it, wonder what is going to happen, stress myself out thinking about what I would do if it did happen, where I would work.

Of course, I would go work at Archivers. :) I loved working there. It was a very happy place for me. I felt confident and valued as a team member there. We always had a good time at work. I realized I really do like working in a retail store. I love seeing all the fun new products coming in, and I even learned to enjoy helping people figure out what they needed. (That was one thing I wasn't very good at, giving my opinion, offering suggestions to customers...)

I am off on a tangent.

I realized tonight that my confidence level in my job as a graphic designer is not the same as that confidence I felt at Archivers. I do not feel that same confidence at PDC. I know there are many factors involved in that thinking, but it is something I am trying to figure out, wondering how I can find that confidence again. Because, I used to have confidence in myself and my job. I thought I did a pretty darn good job at designing those phone books. And, honestly, I am not sure if it is something other people have said or done to make me feel this way, or if it is just me not feeling confident. Deep thinking, I know.

This is the kind of thing I have on my mind constantly now. My commute is good for this kind of thinking. Or maybe bad, because i have too much time to think. I need to come to some conclusions on some of these things, or at least answer some questions for myself, because i am sort of making myself crazy with all this in my head. I think it is just a time of growth and discovery for me. It is good. I am trying to embrace it and learn what I am supposed to be learning. And, if change is supposed to happen, I want to be ok with it. I stress out about changes when they first happen, but I have come to know and understand that it is usually for the best, and life always calms down again, and you get back into a routine, and it's all good.

I just hope that too much change doesn't happen all at once. I think my head might explode if that happens. One thing at a time, please.

Disclaimer: I do not claim to be a perfect writer, so don't judge me for bad grammar or bad sentence structure or things like that. Posts like this one are just me writing stream of conscious style, so it is a little disjointed sometimes. I hope it sort of makes sense. And if not, you are seeing into how my crazy random brain works. :) And, once again, no pictures. I'm still working on that.


Shyla said...

So I'm pretty sure you should just come back to Archiver's!

Kaylynn said...

I read your blog, so keep posting your comments. I like reading your thoughts. I hope that you think of where you want you to go after this stage of life is over and that it is great and exciting and confidence-building.

Kaylynn said...

I just thought of another comment. Not to be critical of my husband in any way, but it is my duty to take care of our cars/trucks. I take them to the car repair shop. I take them to get the oil changed. I take them to get inspected. I take them to get flat tires fixed or rotated. So having a husband might not fix all of your car worries:)