Monday, November 17, 2008

Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence

So, I have a story. It is a bit of a crazy story. Mostly because I am crazy. My mind plays tricks on me. I can't make a decision to save myself. I get easily influenced by the opinions and ideas of those people around me. Even to the detriment of myself and what is best for me. I try not to really do that, but it is hard. I don't always like being an adult and making adult decisions. Especially since I am not married and can't rely on a husband to help make such decisions.
So, with this in mind, here is the current situation. My grandpa lives in Salt Lake. I live in Pleasant Grove. he lives alone, since his second wife, my step-grandma, died in August. Right after she died, I offered the option that I could go live with Grandpa so he wouldn't be alone. My mom suggested it, and he turned it down, at that point. Now, fast forward to 3 weeks ago. He has decided it is time. He is lonely and he wants me to come live with him. So, he springs this on me. I try to wrap my brain around this new development in my life. I mean, I knew it was a possibility, but I wasn't thinking it would happen right now, or ever, really. Grandpa was figuring out what he wanted, and what was best for him. He doesn't want to leave his house, so he thinks this option will buy him more time in that house. He is old, 86 years old, but in relatively good health. He still takes care of himself, drives, etc. He is just lonely.

Anyway, I'm rambling... I've been contemplating this change, this move, trying to make sure it is the right thing to do, for him, and for me. That has been the hardest part of the decision. Is it the right thing for me? Or am I just doing this because I know it will help him, and it is what he wants? That has been the question most on my brain. Making sure this is right for me. Because this is a big change. New ward, new house, not living alone anymore, farther away from work - long commute. I've gone back and forth on this decision. One day I'm feeling positive and good about it. And then, I talk to someone, and they are worried about me doing this, so then I question myself again, and wonder if this is really the right thing to do. so, I've been going back and forth like this for a couple of weeks.
On Sunday, I had KBYU on before church. There was an old devotional talk, about dating, to be honest, but I was finding other meaning in what he was saying. He was quoting the scripture that says, "Cast not away therefore your confidence..." He said that we need to "remember what we know and move forward confidently in the path you know is right." I felt like this was an answer to my constant questioning. I needed to move forward CONFIDENTLY in the path I know is right. I felt like I had gotten an answer to this prayer, and it was the right thing to do, even though it was going to be hard. But, I kept questioning myself, my confidence in my decision. Every time I talked to someone about it, and they were a little negative about it, I started questioning myself again. The lesson I am learning from this: I need to be more confident in my decision making skills, and in the answers I feel I get from the prayers I am offering up. I need to quit questioning myself, when I have already gotten an answer to my prayer, and feel confident in that answer. I can't let that feeling go away. I need to hold onto that feeling, that answer, that confidence.

So, I went to see Grandpa tonight, to talk to him, and to help me feel, one more time, confident in my decision. And, yes, I am confident. This is right. It is going to be good, for both of us. And, I need to remember this, and not let anyone influence me to the point where I am in a tizzy again about this decision.

I need to remember what I know and move forward confidently on that path.

Now the real work begins. I am going to clean out my house, and get rid of all my excess stuff. And I have a lot of that. DI is going to be happy to see me.


Emily said...

It can be really hard for me to make decisions and be confident in them. I'm glad that you've made the decision and are sticking to it. Good luck with the move. I hope everything will go smoothly. See you at Thanksgiving!!

islandgirl said...

That's great to hear how you came about your decision, I am sure great things are in store for you!